Two months ago, I started to create a self-help program for myself. This self-made program was focused on controlling myself from ranting, criticizing, and complaining. The reason behind it was because of the idea that I should not let other people see my weaknesses, that I should not allow others to be involved with my personal dramas, and that I should share only what's positive in order to inspire other people. And so I did. Though there were times when I wanted to shout curses on Twitter, I was able to commit to stay positive everyday. I was more appreciative of the things around me. All the while, I felt that the self-help program really worked but after some time, deep inside my heart, I felt that the program was actually self-destructing. It felt good but it felt wrong at the same time. The goal was to control but I ended up pretending and denying things about myself just because I don't want people to know the issues I have in my life. I was too scared that I'd open more doors for people to criticize me and that I'd open more windows for them to step on me. I was too scared to be myself. I was not trying to lessen complaints and annoyances about life, I was trying to lessen what people might actually say. I was not trying to go for happiness, I was trying to forget the existence of hurt and loneliness.
After a series of life-changing and curse-worth of challenges, thank God my mindset is about to change. I am not here to please you. I am not here to be liked. I am tired of figuring out what your response will be if I act in this certain way. I am tired of trying to lessen the negative things that others may say behind my back. I am tired of being okay all the time because I know I am not. I am tired of not being myself because of people who can't stand me for being real.
I can't stop you guys from judging and criticizing me. It's like trying to stop the world too. Whatever I do, good or bad, you guys will always have something to say.
Unfortunately, It takes only a real person, a real friend, to accept me for who I am, to not judge my flaws and mistakes, and to tell me whole-heartedly how beautiful and how annoying I am as a person. I am lucky enough to have four people right now who are real enough to be there for me and to understand me no matter what. Four people who I can spend an entire day with while I am being my true self. No pretentions, no denials, just me.
I want you to know that I am not anywhere near perfect. I am not always nice, logical and disciplined. I am most of the time a lazy and emotional overeating dumbass, and I am fine with that. Sure, you won't like me because I am not trying to look like Leighton Meester every freaking time but your dislike doesn't make me any less of a person.
I have to enjoy being me and to start loving myself again. I don't need to fit in to your expectations and standards. I have my own.
I HAVE MY OWN.
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