The Departure

He hugged me and he closed his eyes. His muscular arms and cold hands tried to cover my entire head. His lips leaned towards my head and my head rested on his chest. I closed my eyes and I listened to his heartbeat. Every beat made me feel safe and scared at the same time. My tiny arms were around his waist. My small hands clinched together. Then I heard the sound of a rushing plane passing through above us. It was heading somewhere towards the air and it left a heavy sound echoing a request that I should let him go.

"I will be back.", he whispered closely as he calmly convinced his tears not to pour out from his eyes. I clenched my hands tighter. I don't want him to ride any of those planes. I want him to stay where he is -- in my arms.

Like him, I didn't want to cry but immediately and outrageously, I did. The more I resisted what's within me, the more it poured. Every tear begged him to stay but every second forced me to let go. It was me against flying planes and ticking seconds, and they've already won.

His muscular arms seemed weak as he picked up his luggage quietly. I wanted to help him carry it but I can't stop watching him look away and leave. Some seconds after, he was already walking away with his luggage. I was only standing still, watching it all happen. I wanted to outcry so many things but I didn't know how to say everything in two seconds. And just when I thought the last second will end, I shakily shouted the words, "I will be waiting!".

Though his body was already facing the gate that regularly welcomes another long distance relationship, he stared back with his teary eyes and smiling said to me, "Be strong. I love you." Surprised, I replied "I love you too."

It was bitter but I swallowed the pain of seeing him take the first few steps of the 6,000 miles away from me.

Eight Things I Love About My Job

I won’t deny it. I planned to quit my job twice during my entire three months in this organization. I once hated it so much that I didn’t want to go to work anymore. Actually, it was just some days ago when I started to write a draft of my resignation letter. The introductory part was pretty easy. I was just complaining my heart out. After releasing all the annoyances, I started to have a hard time continuing my sentences. It was just hard to say goodbye to something you once fell in love with. 

I minimized the said draft. Automatically, I saw the folder where I saved it: “Thoughts At Work”. In that the same folder, I saw a file entitled “Eight Things I Love About My Job”. I remember writing it after my first week of employment. Then, I opened it.

The file slapped me. I had to gulp everything in again.

February 11, 2012, Friday

The Eight Things I Love About My Job

Seven days at work and I’ve never been this excited about going to work again on Monday! The pressure is on but I’m feeling it whole-heartedly knowing that it will not only benefit my pocket every 15^th but also boost my being as a person for a lifetime.

Here’s a list of why I love my job!

1. My office is near my residence.  I have night classes. I can’t be late, and I won’t ever be! My office is 10 to 15 minutes away from my school and condo unit. Plus! I only spend 40 pesos a day for transportation! Though it involves 5 minutes of walk under the sun, at least I can consider “exercising” as a weekday routine!
2. I’m on flexi-time schedule. The best thing about my work is that I can come in any time before 1PM! Therefore, there is the slightest or laziest possibility that I will be late! For as long as I spend 8 hours of work, then I’m good to go. For a girl who wakes up after 9AM, this is pretty awesome! No rush hours! No running! No one controls my time and I always feel relaxed when I go to work. I can even eat lunch and merienda whenever I feel like doing so!
3. I don’t need to wear heels and blazers every single day. Forget the entire corporate attire package; I will only need that about 5 to 7 times every month. I can wear jeans every day! I don’t need to wear heels; I can always wear sandals and flats! I don’t need anything collared; I can always wear a plain shirt if I want to!
4. I will have my own beautiful office soon! They're renovating an entire office for me. Every lunch break, I keep on passing by the area where I will sit and work soon. I think it's going to be really pretty; white paint, beige tiles, white seats, varnished desks, conference table, picture frames. I'm so excited! I will have my own office soon! Some quiet time to think like nobody's waiting and sing like nobody's watching!
5. It's tennis-related. I'm working to sell the sport I've been playing since I was 4 years old. It's like returning the favor to the field that carried me to where I am right now. Sounds fulfilling? Definitely. I'm going to contribute for the community of tennis in the Philippines. I'm going to sell a sport of a lifetime nationally and internationally. I'm still hoping for a Filipino-Federer in the future. Maybe not soon, but this job may contribute to some more possibilities in the future.
6. Salary, commission, and benefits. This job is enough for me to live on my own now; rent my own condo unit, pay electric and water bills, pay the laundry, buy three meals everyday, and bring me to where I need to go. Sometimes, I can be able to save some extra money to buy what I want. They're planning to provide me a phone line to contact very special people and companies soon. They already provided me a computer with a really fast internet line and a gigantic printer. They even provided me free lunch everyday! Who would have thought? It's only been 4 months since I graduated! 
7. It builds connections to the corporate world! Like what I've said earlier: "very special people". I'm talking about presidents, general managers, head officers, owners, and probably even CEO's. I'll be meeting up with people who can be able to inspire me to become like them someday!
8. Yay for such a cool position title. Every time I answer "Marketing Head and Event Manager" when asked about my job position, it makes me shy and proud at the same time. Shy because who am I to manage a national event and be a head of its marketing strategies etc., and proud because I'm actually and unbelievably that girl! I took up Psychology and currently taking up a masters degree in Industrial/ Organizational Psychology. It's not exactly the job where I am supposed to be but it's still related though and I think it unlocks additional skills, knowledge, and abilities aside from what I am getting in my classes. Awesome!

Thank you Lord for this opportunity! I hope to have a good year here at PCA. And maybe, some more good years!

There you go. A huge wake-up call. I loved my job so much. I had all the great reasons why I chose to be here. What ever happened to me? I need to put my self back in the game and turn all the stress, risks, and pressure as challenges, lessons, and opportunities, and not the other way around. I now realize that maybe it’s not the job; maybe it’s actually me. It’s not the job that disappointed me; it’s me who expected it to be perfect even though outside the box, it’s already pretty great.

Maybe instead of hating it, I should embrace the reasons why I wanted to be here in the first place. Sure, there are bigger offers ahead and there are reasons why I need to quit it but I have all the right reasons to be here at the same time. Probably, it's not that I am not happy anymore. Maybe it's just because I forgot to love and appreciate what I am doing.

Burnt-out days went by and I am still here, enjoying a blog after 8 hours of work.

Letting It All Out

Two months ago, I started to create a self-help program for myself. This self-made program was focused on controlling myself from ranting, criticizing, and complaining. The reason behind it was because of the idea that I should not let other people see my weaknesses, that I should not allow others to be involved with my personal dramas, and that I should share only what's positive in order to inspire other people. And so I did. Though there were times when I wanted to shout curses on Twitter, I was able to commit to stay positive everyday. I was more appreciative of the things around me. All the while, I felt that the self-help program really worked but after some time, deep inside my heart, I felt that the program was actually self-destructing. It felt good but it felt wrong at the same time. The goal was to control but I ended up pretending and denying things about myself just because I don't want people to know the issues I have in my life. I was too scared that I'd open more doors for people to criticize me and that I'd open more windows for them to step on me. I was too scared to be myself. I was not trying to lessen complaints and annoyances about life, I was trying to lessen what people might actually say. I was not trying to go for happiness, I was trying to forget the existence of hurt and loneliness.

After a series of life-changing and curse-worth of challenges, thank God my mindset is about to change. I am not here to please you. I am not here to be liked. I am tired of figuring out what your response will be if I act in this certain way. I am tired of trying to lessen the negative things that others may say behind my back. I am tired of being okay all the time because I know I am not. I am tired of not being myself because of people who can't stand me for being real.

I can't stop you guys from judging and criticizing me. It's like trying to stop the world too. Whatever I do, good or bad, you guys will always have something to say.

Unfortunately, It takes only a real person, a real friend, to accept me for who I am, to not judge my flaws and mistakes, and to tell me whole-heartedly how beautiful and how annoying I am as a person. I am lucky enough to have four people right now who are real enough to be there for me and to understand me no matter what. Four people who I can spend an entire day with while I am being my true self. No pretentions, no denials, just me.

I want you to know that I am not anywhere near perfect. I am not always nice, logical and disciplined. I am most of the time a lazy and emotional overeating dumbass, and I am fine with that. Sure, you won't like me because I am not trying to look like Leighton Meester every freaking time but your dislike doesn't make me any less of a person.

I have to enjoy being me and to start loving myself again. I don't need to fit in to your expectations and standards. I have my own.

I HAVE MY OWN.

Trudy The Foursquare User

Nowadays, when some friends see me, they’d always comment something about my use of Foursquare and how I tend to Tweet and Facebook it more than the usual. Some find it cool, some don’t care, some are concerned about my safety, and some find it annoying.

Here are some points I’d like to tell to those who just can’t stand it: UNFOLLOW ME. Simple. If you think it’s stupid and unneccessary, UNFOLLOW ME. Simple. Instead of wasting your energy towards complaining, tweeting, and ranting about an application I am using properly, UNFOLLOW ME. Simple.

But definitely, I’d rather tweet and Facebook where I am than complain about my life every single day. And it’s almost the same thing anyway, you tweet and Facebook about where you are too, you tell us what you do in that place, so why not let me Foursquare?

I share with my friends the places I like to go. I want to see some of the restaurants and vacation places they go to. I find new friends on the site. I gain points for discounts and perks. I gain excitement. I gain gratitude towards the realization that God is giving me the ability to travel and eat anywhere in the world. Did I hurt you? Did I contribute to any global conflict? Did I kill anyone? No.

To those who are concerned about my safety: My dear friends, I understand and acknowledge your concern but I am not that stupid to allow someone to rob me, kill me or rape me. Just to let you know, I check-in earlier or later than the exact time I am in that place. Sometimes, I don’t check-in at all. And sometimes, I check-in all at once. So I will have to salute you if you can ACTUALLY and REALLY calculate the distance, the time, my decision of when to check-in, the time I will spend staying on that place, and the moment when to kill me.

To my friends who appreciate the benefits of having a Foursquare and to those who just let me do what I want to do, I appreciate it very much. Thank you.

You use Twitter to tweet, Facebook to stalk and everything else, YouTube to watch videos, Formspring to cyberbully people (well, for some), Tumblr to blog, and Foursquare to let people know where you are and see where other people are at and are up to. Every social networking site or app is made to create an impact to each and everyone. And I honestly think that whether you like it or not, you are going to be a part of it.

Let’s just appreciate the gift of technology; it is also a gift from God anyway. Lessen the hate you are giving towards a freaking social networking site or application and start criticizing yourself to improve. Minimize complaining about your friends’ updates and start doing what you’re supposed to do with your life.

After all, there is so much more in the world than Foursquare.

The One Who Will Stick

From Point A which is your birth to Point B which is your death, friends come, friends go;enemies come, enemies go; money comes, money goes.

The only thing constant between Point A and B is you. You’re the only one who’s going to be there the entire time. If you change yourself just to please the people who’ve been sliced in the middle of Point A and B and then they leave, you’ll be stuck to whoever you really wanted to be. There’s no point in changing who you are just to please the temporary others.

In an ever beautiful world, there’s always going to be people who’ll stick with you through thick and thin. But this is not an ever beautiful world; this is the real world. So fall in love with who you are because you are the only one who is and will be stuck in yourself through thick and thin, and until the very end.

Desires

I’ve been going through a not-so-good time in my life recently, and since my usual preference is to hug myself and cry away, I am trying instead to concentrate on desires. That word unfortunately is considered as something cliché or underrated, and so I am warning you right here, right now, that that is not how I think it is.

I am talking about little instances and beautiful heart-warming occurrences that remind me of how every second of my problematic and temporary life is worth living whether I choose to appreciate so or not.

There are about a thousand reasons why every day is wonderful, but here are a few things I find personally desirable:

1. Taking a cold shower after a day’s work, and letting it kick off the smell of perspiration and pressure.
2. Finding an extra-large shirt and tiny cotton shorts to sleep on with at night.
3. Songs written about how love and dreams can change your life.
4. A little line you find on Twitter that says the thing you have always felt but never thought to describe.
5. That first stretch in the morning.
6. Encouraging text message from someone you love and loves you.
7. Eating good food with people who genuinely appreciate eating good food.
8. Standing in front of a kind of landscape that makes you stop and think “Wow. I am giving myself a right to be miserable with this kind of beauty existing.”
9. I know it’s cheesy and corny and that it sounds like a greeting card, but I am choosing to see the world as good and I am so grateful to live here. 

I know it’s cheesy and corny and that it sounds like a greeting card, but I am choosing to see the world as good and I am so grateful to live here. 

Knives

I know I can not delete the affection you had for her
or remove the misery of loving her just before this summer.
I know I can not guarantee the feelings you are currently having
or assure myself that it is the truth you are withstanding.

But in spite the things I know, I'll keep holding on.
In spite the doubts, I'll risk it all.
They say "It's stupid", I say "I'm just happy"
They say "It's not worth it", I say "I'll just let it be"

About the end, I worry
but why face the future if today there is still me?
Who would want to get hurt sooner or later?
but I dont want to just let it go, give it up and take that forever.

If the time comes you choose her over me,
the time will also come that I will be free.
But if the time comes you choose me over her,
the time will also come I'll prove you that things will be better.